FALLING MAPLE LEAFS

I am a big fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey club.... when they lose; which is much of the time.

Imagine my happiness, today, when I saw the headline in the Toronto Sun's sports page which read, "Crowning Insult - Leafs again put on another pitiful display as they fall to the lowly Kings". The story's writer, a guy by the name of Lance Hornby, caught my attention in the fourth paragraph when he said:

In addition to Earthquake, Towering Inferno and every other disaster movie set here, you can add film of last night's 5-2 loss to the Los Angeles Kings.

But the big laugh came from me mere seconds later when I read this:

Andrew Raycroft was burned for four goals in the first period, his defence pushed around like ragdolls. As for coach Paul Maurice changing lines, re-uniting Mats Sundin, Nik Antropov and Alexei Ponikarovsky had all the effect of re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

For me to laugh out loud (and with such force) when I am by myself, it must be funny. Being a Titanic nut makes this even funnier.

I should add that the Toronto Maple Leafs organization is staffed from top to bottom with incompetents. (In all fairness, the Leafs are one of the most profitable team sports franchises in the world. I am really speaking of making a winning team. The Leafs have not won a 'Stanley Cup' -- the National Hockey League's ultimate prize -- since 1967! And in the years since, they have come relatively close only a couple of times. This organization does not care about the fans, and every year they prove it by raising the gate ticket prices. The cynics say the fans are really the ones to blame as they "keep on paying". If a major film studio could get such dedicated fans they could release a lot of bad movies on a regular basis, and their fans would keep on lining up at the movie theatres.)

Some guy in Toronto is offering to buy the Leafs from Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment (MLSE), the current owners of the team. I understand that some people are excited at the prospect.

One small correction to Hornby's article: The Towering Inferno is set in San Francisco, not Los Angeles. Whatever... Hornby is an entertaining Sports writer.

ELECTRONIC SHORTS

My own blog post from yesterday reminded me of all the shows I watched as a kid or teenager which ultimately went nowhere... cancelled after a few episodes or just one season.

These are:

The Interns (1970)... I would watch this on the Sony portable upstairs and enjoy it; even though some of the subject matter was quite adult. Maybe this is why I was upstairs watching it on the Sony b&w instead of the Zenith colour tube downstairs. As I remember it, Interns had a great opening title sequence. That Broderick Crawford. Along with Sandy Smith, Mike Farrell, Stephen Brooks, and Christopher Stone.

Planet of the Apes (1974)... The family, well some of us, watched this tv series based on the successful feature films. This series was not successful, partly due to its great cost, less than stellar ratings (after a while), and inflexible format (although it was, the producers just did not try to flex it). This show was huge in Great Britain.

Lucas Tanner (1974)... My memory is watching this upstairs by myself on the Sony portable; although the subject matter was definitely more agreeable than that of The Interns. It was a show about a school teacher (David Hartman) and his trials and tribulations with his students. I liked this one.

Gemini Man (1976)... Ben Murphy played some dude who had the power of controlled invisibility for about fifteen minutes. Hey, like me in high school math class!

The Fantastic Journey (1977)... A group of people end up in the Bermuda Triangle where they meet some strange goings on and some strange dudes. A fun journey, but not for enough people.

Darkroom (1981)... James Coburn was the host of this superior thriller/horror show of the anthology kind. The flexible segment lengths within a typical episode allowed the running time to fit the story being told. There were some true standouts in this baby.

With the exception of Apes, I have not seen these in years.

And what is it about me becoming attached to shows which do not survive? Or is it that I jinx them? Here's a thought; I should start becoming attached to the new Battlestar Galactica, and Torchwood.

I did not mention Hello, Larry as it went into a second season. That fact saved me from admitting I watched it every week.

FOR WADSWORTH

As a child of the 1960s and 1970s I watched some cool television fare; although this television does not fare well today. (I could not resist.) Good Times, Night Gallery, The Six Million Dollar Man, Gilligan's Island, The Rookies, Emergency, Lost in Space, Star Trek, and Space: 1999 were some of the shows which I would sit down for. (I cannot get over how well I've turned out considering I was constantly subjected to the acid rain intrinsic with some of the above.)

As I got older I discovered All in the Family (brilliant show), The Outer Limits, and a few others. In my teenage years I sat down long enough to catch some newly released, and superior, series such as The White Shadow and Lou Grant.

(Sorry, no Battlestar Galactica. I watched some episodes when it ran but knew it wasn't clicking. Although, it is still better than the narcissistic and plethoric "re-imagining".)

Easily one of the worst of the above was Space: 1999. It premiered in September of 1975; a time where I was easily old enough to know what worked and what did not -- over and above the subjective question. This British import was, in its first season (the second season was different, and I will get to in a moment), turgid, overly metaphysical and consistently so, often boring, and after many episodes, absolutely inconsequential. In a nutshell, perfect stuff to make you blow away all the time you think you have when you are of such a young age as I was.

Space: 1999 was known at the time for its pretty and (at times) elaborate visual effects work. The first season was scored by series creator Gerry Anderson's frequent collaborator, Barry Gray. This composer was consistently producing quality theme tunes and background music for Anderson's children's programs such as Supercar, Thunderbirds, and Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons.

Those kiddie shows -- which many adults watched too -- were frequently fun even when serious, with some episodes played as comedies. This ingredient allowed composer Gray to write some disparate music: Dark, upbeat, romantic, and contemporary. When some episodes bypassed having an original score, no matter. There was always something to track in to hit the notes for whatever installment. (I should mention that I think his Thunderbirds theme is one of the best television signature pieces of all time. Barry Gray was a compositional talent.)

With Space: 1999, Gray was commissioned to score just five episodes. These more or less required the same sort of timbre or colour in the music, banking a fairly narrow reservoir of dramatic options. The episodes in question required gloomy music for the most part. This fact hurt the show... seriously (in my humble opinion).

Darkness pervaded the prairie.

It is pretty clear that what happened was no fault of Barry Gray's. He was, after all, a hired composer, as are all film composers. They write music to match an image on a screen. They are told what episodes to write music for; it is a commissioned capacity.

After the first season of Space: 1999 wrapped up, just about everybody who cared came up with a litany of what was wrong with the series. I won't go into a historical analysis of what went on other than to say that veteran American television producer Fred Freiberger (yes, that Freiberger of 3rd season Star Trek fame) was hired by the Brits to help make the show more friendly to the all important U.S. audience.

Command Centre was Command Center. (We Canadians spell in the British style, so we would also take into account the same export considerations.)

Changes were made, and some for the better (I am one of those who thinks the second season is a slight improvement on the 1st), one perhaps was most severe: The music.

When I sat down in front of the CBC for the much anticipated new stab-at-the-cat season of Space in September of 1976, I was taken aback by the total change in the opening titles department; mainly, the musical theme. What a difference. I immediately liked it. It was more rock and roll and jazz than symphonic... but it worked.

And in an episode to episode respect, it really did work. Derek Wadsworth, this creator of the new sound, provided what was really needed more than anything else for this miserable thing... Fun music.

(Wadsworth was for all intents and purposes, a rock and roller and jazz guy. He arranged music for the Rolling Stones, amongst others.)

The show's initiating concept was shite, which was the truth admitted by some all along; by those brave and realistic souls. (The moon blasting out of Earth's orbit? That is the concept behind the show? Ridiculous.)

Rock/Pop/Jazz styled music worked in outer space. Not that the mentioned types are needed to mark substandard television, it's just that they seemed to fit Space: 1999's second season so aptly.

Derek Wadsworth and Space: 1999 was a happy accident. He did not make the show a good one, but did get rid of those overcast skies.

Space just needed a little rock and roll and jazz.

POD CAST POST

Tonight, I managed to sit down and watch the premiere of the CBC's new series jPod. It is only the first episode -- it ended 35 minutes ago as I write this -- so there is not much room to evaluate the series.

The first part was predictably bumpy but that goes with the territory. And like many television series, it is self conscious and trying a wee bit too hard to succeed... or leave a mark.

(There is time. The CBC must support this series, within reason, and that includes promotions.)

There were too many ingredients in tonight's episode for one series to carry successfully. Perhaps the producers are throwing all the nuts into the bowl to start and will sift through in weeks to come, leaving only the tastier variety.

I say cashews!

I will try and watch jPod on a regular basis.

MUSEUM CHASE

A friend of mine was telling me about a series of regular altercations she has had with another woman in recent weeks. She likes this other woman ("hat" is how she described her to me) but there is not a lot of communication outside of the perfunctory hellos when they do share the same flight plan.

On one occasion, my friend was minding her own business filing a book back on the shelf in the school library when suddenly an arm gently passed by her face. This arm was attached to the other woman. There was an exchange of smiles but that was it. No further colloquy.

As a movie fan, I was able to pull out a cinematic example of the above -- one for the edification of my floating friend. The example I downloaded from the memory bank was the wonderful 'museum' scene from Brian De Palma's 1980 minor classic thriller, Dressed to Kill.

The museum sequence is not only a demonstration of fine acting, directing, and music scoring (superb scoring I should specify), but required viewing for those who have been experiencing cat-and-mouse dynamics with a desired carbon based unit.

I told my friend to rent the movie, but it dawned on me after some thought, that I should just see if the scene is on good ol' YouTube...

It is... http://youtube.com/watch?v=vIaUt5KcxzI

Lisa now wants to see the whole film.

POD PEOPLE

The CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation) is promoting their new show, jPod, with vigour. I saw a large print ad for it in a newspaper the other day; plus there are a lot of adverts on CBC television.

Not since I was in my early twenties have I anticipated any television show, but this one does intrigue me. Not only is it based on the 2006 book, jPod, by Douglas Coupland, but the tv promotions do forge some basic interest from me.

I read a review in last week's Eye Weekly. The reviewer said that while the first episode is stiff (very common in opening installments), jPod gets its legs in subsequent stories.

This is not something we have never heard before, but I just might give it a chance.

Besides, tv has not been the same for me ever since Lucas Tanner went off the air.

jPod premieres on the CBC on Tuesday, January 8th at 9 p.m.

http://www.cbc.ca/jpod/

TORCHER

Here is a question: Did the CBC's scheduling department read Larry's or my own review of Torchwood and decide to program this show at the last minute as some sort of retribution?

I think they are out to show how much faith they have in the infamous hour-long telefantasy series. Just to prove it they are slotting it in two times; tomorrow (Sunday, January 6th) at 8pm and 9pm.

... that is two hours of Torchwood in total.

If you want to see what the fuss is all about -- and I do mean fuss -- and you have not seen the beast in any way, shape, or form, then here is your chance. Two separate story lines to better judge.

You are welcome to tell Larry and me that we are far out in our opinions on this one.

(I promise this won't become the Torchwood blog.)

The big news... http://www.cbc.ca/programguide/program/index.jsp?program=Torchwood

A good online TV guide (the culprit here)... http://www.zap2it.com/

CARRYING THE TORCH

This past Wednesday, guest blogger Larry wrote a list of things which make no sense to him about the British Telefantasy show, Torchwood. I too wrote something in the same vein, earlier.

(I found this picture to the right: I think it's a behind the scenes look at actor John Barrowman studying the script.)

I spent too much time at the computer today, so it was only reasonable that I shut 'er off for a while and coincide this with the CBC's screening of Torchwood at 9 p.m.

Those of you who know me can only laugh at my lack of priorities.

Tonight's episode (hey, sounds like a Quinn Martin Production!), "Combat".

It is getting late; I am getting tired; and I have no desire to add too much to what Larry said the other day. If Larry watched tonight, then he probably thought the same odd thing in one pivotal scene...

Jack carries a gun as he walks through an empty warehouse looking for some incongruity when he suddenly hears a sound. He relaxes the gun for a moment while he pulls out a... flashlight! Wow, that organization -- Torchwood -- is woefully underfunded. You mean they cannot afford nightvision goggles or some similar apparatus? Besides, from a production standpoint, this would give the visual effects people a chance to do some kewl point-of-view infrared type graphics.

This show is overflowing with needless visual effects, so why stop here?

And Larry is right when he asks what some of these people do, exactly.

Just what exactly is this show trying to accomplish?

A GOOD START

I don't believe in New Years Resolutions as such, but there are a list of things I must address before we get too far into the year of our LORD... 2008! (My dad warned me about this.)

For a few weeks now, I have been meaning to start building a website for a film industry friend of mine. Admittedly, I have a little too much on my plate right now. Time management I am pretty good at but there comes a point where some peas have to be brushed off the plate. And I love peas.

I talk or reference the CBC a bit too much... made the mistake late last night of watching a few minutes of The Hour. George Stroumboulopoulos really does have to be replaced. I have commented about this before. The show itself is a fine idea but The Corp must fine tune. Fine tune, please.

Thanks to all the folk who have commented on my THE PREQUELIZER posting from a few days ago. Earlier I mentioned that if you want to see divisiveness, just talk about film criticism. Now I modify that to include criticism about the Star Wars prequel films.

Passion is in fashion. And when you knock down Episodes 1 - 3, you get a perpetual motion machine happening.

Those so-called prequel films should be put to good use: All elements from the infamous three -- that includes original films, tapes, audio recordings, and so on -- should be bundled up and dropped into a shipping harbour to serve as a sort of blockship.

I knew there was a good use for that junk. Saves dumping it in landfill... although that is just as efficient.

... and I just dig that Eddie Wood dialogue! (The difference is Plan 9 From Outer Space is a very watchable film. It's a good thing Lucas did not know about "solarbonite". Imagine.)

I'm just kiddin' around. Good for you if you derive pleasure from The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, and Revekldnglga.....

GUEST BLOG 1: TORCHWOOD ROT

I have decided to allow (ooh, that is so nice of you, Barry) certain people to guest blog. This is the first; a very opinionated piece by my dear and talented writer friend, Larry (see attached photo). He has written a passionate diatribe on the British science fiction television series titled Torchwood.

Larry has elected to use my last name for purposes of guest blogging... maintains a continuity, for sure.

Be sure to check out my review of Torchwood from last October 29th, in case you haven't already. Hope you enjoy both.

Barry Smight


TOP 10 REASONS TORCHWOOD IS RUBBISH

1. Doesn’t even live up to the stated premise of its introduction: “arming humanity against the future”. Haven’t seem them give humanity anything resembling weapons yet. Hell, they barely use them themselves, relying on pistols and fisticuffs.

2. In “Ghost Machine”, Gwen chases a guy for ages, through streets, up alleys, over fences, and through backyards. When she finally corners him, he asks for mercy and says he has asthma. The kind that lets you run like an Olympic athlete, apparently.

3. In the “Cyberwoman” episode, the gang release a pterodactyl to stop the Cyberwoman. They scarper, leaving the two to fight. When they return, there’s no sign of the pterodactyl. Guess it must have put itself back in its cage, eh? Good boy, Pterry!

4. “Countryside”: First we’re told the killings were being done by townsfolk mutated by energy seeping through a crack in the dimensional Rift (near Cardiff, never fully explained). At the end of the episode one of the town’s killers says he did it because it “makes him happy.” Which is it? And, if there’s no mutation going on, how the hell do the killers/cannibals run so fast and have super strength? Asthma? And if they do it because they like it, why only once every 10 years? Lots of self-control, these cannibals?

5. Torchwood is supposed to be a top secret organization of the highest level. Yet whenever they show up at sites to investigate anything, the police give them wide berth and don’t ask for I.D. of any sort. And the street cops Gwen used to work with know of her involvement. You don’t need an alien Shoddy-Writing-Detector to see how poorly thought-through this is.

6. Separate from the government? Waitaminnit...! Didn’t we see the PM in the first Doctor Who Christmas special give Torchwood a direct order to shoot down a retreating alien ship, which they followed to the letter? And if they’re separate from government, who foots the bills? Oh, right! That may have been Torchwood I or Torchwood II, neither of which are explained. Come to think of it, the function/purpose of Torchwood III (the current team) is never really explained either. Something about arming humanity…

7. Owen fucks everybody. Everybody wants to fuck Owen. We get it. Yawn. Wait, so why is he using the alien Fuck-Me device in episode one to get the girl at the bar to fuck him…?

8. In the episode “They Keep Killing Suzie”, the team is locked in their own base without power. Somehow they think to use the ISBN from a book of poetry found in Suzie’s locker as password to restart the power. And it works! WTF?! And the ISBN they use isn’t even from the book they have, it’s from a copy being read to them by policewoman who at the other end of a phone line. What if wasn’t the same edition? The puzzle logic here is puzzling, but it damn well ain’t logical. File under Housebroken Pterodactyl. Also: no manual override of any sort to get out of the base? Absolutely no way they’d construct any base that way. As a dramatic device, it’s a great comedic device.

9. Captain Jack cannot die. So what’s to care about, then? Why do they always make it appear as if he’s in danger? Are you that stupid, Viewer, that you say to yourself “oh dear, Captain Jack might be about to get killed”? If you are that dim, have I got a show for you. It’s called Torchwood.

10. In one episode, Captain Jack teaches Gwen to shoot. She’s got a pistol in her hand. He warns her not to shoot at the ceiling, because it will bring the base down. Had this been some alien super-destructor gun, it might have been a funny moment. Instead, it’s an ordinary pistol. Go on, Gwen: let’s see you collapse an fortified, underground state of the art base (one that doesn’t have manual override doors) with a pistol. I dare you. Torchwood tries so hard to be cool and cover all the bases (sex, violence, evil aliens, time travel, resurrection, zombies, etc.) that it doesn’t do anything well. An entire season has gone by and I have no idea what three of the five characters actually do in Torchwood. And don’t get me started on the camera stutter technique they use whenever there is a static shot of HQ.

Torchwood is a mess. Right up there with 24 as an example of someone’s idea of “cool” trumping good storytelling. Season two will have to make do without me watching, I’m afraid.

Until next time,

Larry Smight (no relation)