TORCHWOOD

I keep asking myself, why do I play the masochist? I don't get it. It is not as though I haven't enough to do. I heard that Torchwood is good and has a ravenous following in its homeland of Great Britain. That should have been a warning -- not the fact the following is strong in Britain of all places but the 'ravenous following' part. (I thought I did learn my lesson with the new Battlestar Galactica. Heard, too, about its following... the show is awful.)

The CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation) is playing Torchwood: Friday nights at 9 p.m.

I've now seen three episodes -- missed the opening shot -- and that completes my contract with the show. In hindsight, I have given Torchwood too many chances. Yes, it is that bad. Just what are the fans going on about?

The characters are in a nether region of appeal. Are they nice people or are they bad people just trying to do a good job for humanity? Jack, the main dude, the one of square jaw and good looks, the guy we were introduced to in a Doctor Who two part episode, is the ring leader of the Torchwood Institute. Jack is not particularly likable; rather, he is unappealing.

Torchwood, the institute, is based in Cardiff, Wales... they are to investigate alien invasions and other sorts of extraterrestrial incidents. The outfit's staff is obviously under-trained; considering they are manning such a critical operation, these people, who you would expect to be crack operatives, come across at times as digital-age Keystone Cops.

Jack is forever barking orders at them -- often during yet another light-beam-style optical effect scene -- to try to get them to behave. Why does he have to do this? Is there not some "Procedures and Protocol When You Are Working For Torchwood" book? You keep smacking them in line, Jack.

What a miserable lot.

What a mess of a show. There doesn't appear to be a vision for this one.

I've been to Cardiff... lovely place. At least it was until these clowns showed up...