GOBBLE-GOBBLE

While enjoying this Canadian Thanksgiving holiday Monday, I thought I would share some of my own movie turkey. (The real turkey I am still chasing around the kitchen.) This is just a spontaneous list as most of these turkeys you hope would rot away in the compost bin of time.

While I respect anyone who just gets a film made, there are those movies that left an impression on me... like turkey leftovers forgotten in the back of the fridge or in the garbage bag that has been sitting in the hallway for a month.

Here she is, and in no particular order (the numbers are just for stock tracking):

1. Endless Love 1981 Director: Franco Zeffirelli
I am embarrassed to admit that when I saw it on Superchannel back in 1983 I actually made it to the end. There were so many scenes with richness in the form of ineptness. (Not one of Zeffirelli's best.) Rent it. Better still, buy it on DVD... today! It's a hoot!

2. Star Wars: Attack of the Clones 2002 Director: George Lucas
Hard to believe an installment from the venerable Star Wars franchise made the cut, although the prequel films were all battling for the coveted spot. (Limit one per customer.) AOTC is better known to me as the Plan 9 From Outer Space of the six Lucas ATMs. The dialogue is precious. My local SW fanatic told me after he saw it, and learned that I wasn't about to rush out to see AOTC, "I can't believe you don't want to see it... you like the old Republic serials, and this would be like cocaine to you!" (I should tell this fan friend that the Republic serials are good.) Maybe I should have done a line before I ultimately watched it.

3. The Berlin Affair 1985 Director: Liliana Cavani
I watched this baby at Toronto's great Bloor Cinema back in 1986 with my classmate Ted. These are important details as the fact that I can say that I saw this flickerama at the Bloor with Ted means I actually remember something about the movie screening. (Also, we sat in the balcony.) All I really remember about the movie is that it was excruciatingly boring and Ted and I burst into laughter at some of its special moments.

4. Leviathan 1989 Director: George P. Cosmatos
One of the underwater cycle movies that hit screens in 1989 which included James Cameron's 1989 technical epic, The Abyss. My own favourite Leviathan moment?... the lovely Amanda Pays, armed with a music blaring walkman portable listening device, decides to go for a jog around the sub-aquatic station after it has been established that a monster is on the loose.

5. Charlie's Angels 2000 Director: McG (McWho?!)
This movie, or whatever it is, is one big mess. The action is repetitive -- we get twenty scenes illustrating the girls' undercover exploits at the beginning of the film just to make sure we understand their line of work -- and cinematic technique non existent with badly composed shots and awkward staging. This abortion makes the Charlie's Angels television series look classy... it kinda was in a way.

6. Amistad 1997 Director: Steven Spielberg
The subject matter of this one is important and for all time, but the execution is surprisingly bad (although some Spielberg bashers would have an answer). Hysterical scene which made me laugh out loud: John Adams is doing his important speech... the music swells and the audio dubbing mixer pushes the music pot up with the orchestra's swelling; it reaches a crescendo of swellness and I am on the floor! I didn't think that aural humour was possible to such a degree.

7. The Faculty 1998 Director: Robert Rodriguez
The biggest failure of this film is that it was plain ol' not scary. My favourite moment at the Bloor Cinema here in Toronto, where I saw it, was the moment I was leaving the theatre after this thriller finished: Two young girls of about eleven or twelve years of age were picked up by their mothers as they stood in the lobby. One of the mothers glowed and asked, "so, what did you think?" The girls shook their heads and one stated, "it wasn't even scary." My reaction just then was that Rodriquez lost his target audience.

8. The Green Berets 1968 Directors: Ray Kellogg, John Wayne, Mervyn LeRoy
Make no mistake, this movie was bad the instant it left the moviola back in 1968, but in today's political climate, The Green Berets has special cache. The military bravura never went over well with audiences back then, while the U.S. was in the thick of the Vietnam war, and perhaps would be even more laughable if projected on a screen today in front of a packed house. Sounds like an experiment to me. The Green Berets is funny by any measure and does not need politics to make it that. I like 'The Duke', but realize that he couldn't win 'em all. Good for Wayne that he went on to star in a film the very next year which would win him an Oscar for playing a special character... that of 'Rooster' Cogburn in True Grit. (My dad took me to see that one when it came out... I am old.)

9. I'm tired...

(There are more gobble-gobbles; a lot more. But that is enough.)